To Teach a Turtle a Lesson

My wife and I are eating dinner, minding our own business, when our dog goes nuts. We try to ignore her, but she’s really freaking out by the window, barking at something in the yard.

We interrupt our pecan-mushroom-tofu burgers to see what’s going on. Maybe it’s Uncle Braxton.

Maybe it’s not.


It turns out that Olivia (the dog) is upset because a turtle is in the yard. This turtle has the nerve to crawl into my yard and then shrink up inside his shell and piss off my dog.

So I decide that this turtle needs to go in a bucket.

And this bucket needs to go in my car. This turtle needs to know that he’s not welcome in my yard.



I decide not to buckle him in. If I get in a car accident on account of this turtle, I really don’t care if he’s ejected through the windshield.

To Howles Big Pond we go so I can show this turtle where he should have been. Halfway to the pond, I have to get out of my car and become a trespasser myself.

I have to climb over a downed tree with a bucket full of turtle in my hands.

And finally we arrive at Howles Big Pond. Scenic. The mosquitoes at Howles Big Pond at this time of the evening are huge and slam into you and feel like spitballs. Spitballs that bite.

Time to show that turtle where he should have been when he was instead scaring my dog.

All this just to teach a turtle a lesson.

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