Meet the Real Columbus

505 years ago today, a pirate and con artist bit the bullet. 13 years before that, he’d parked his boat and sealed his fate as a sing-song hero.

I vote we move Columbus Day to today, 5/20, and celebrate the day the world was rid of him.

***

Children’s Poem, Meet Truth


In fourteen hundred ninety-two
Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

(Well, that’s accurate).

***

He had three ships and left from Spain;
He sailed through sunshine, wind and rain.

(He’d just finished a tour-de-scamming)

***

He sailed by night; he sailed by day;
He used the stars to find his way.

(His way to a place that, when he died, he still thought was an entirely different continent.)

***

A compass also helped him know
How to find the way to go.

(“Let’s go east for a long time.” Breathtaking technique!)

***

Ninety sailors were on board;
Some men worked while others snored.

(Many of them dreamed of tossing Columbus overboard.)

***

Then the workers went to sleep;
And others watched the ocean deep.

(If the sailors are asleep, who are the “others” watching? Creepy.)

***

Day after day they looked for land;
They dreamed of trees and rocks and sand.

(“DRY LAND IS NOT A MYTH! I’VE SEEN IT!“)

***

October 12 their dream came true,
You never saw a happier crew!

(They were less than a day from making ole’ Chris turn around.)

***

“Indians!  Indians!”  Columbus cried;
His heart was filled with joyful pride.

(Psst…Chris…not Indians, dude.)

***

But “India” the land was not;
It was the Bahamas, and it was hot.

(Smocks and robes aren’t exactly beach attire.)

***

The Arakawa natives were very nice;
They gave the sailors food and spice.

(“Thanks for the grub! Here’s disease and slavery!”)

***

Columbus sailed on to find some gold
To bring back home, as he’d been told.

(If a native didn’t hand in the quota, he’d lose his hands–literally.)

***

He made the trip again and again,
Trading gold to bring to Spain.

(But paid most of his bills via the slave trade.)

***

The first American?  No, not quite.
But Columbus was brave, and he was bright.

(It’s easy to be brave when you’re heartless.)

***

Good riddance, Christopher Columbus.

***

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