Clean it Up, Dick!

There are a lot of fine eateries in Myrtle Beach and North Myrtle Beach, S.C.

Even though the NASCAR Cafe closed, we still get movie memorabilia from one of the last Planet Hollywoods in the United States. We get a dose of Cable-Guy-esque fun at Medieval Times.

And we get crabs from a certain Dirty Dick.

I don’t really get the appeal. I don’t think it’s because I’m vegan–I like to think that I’m not so out of touch with my former omnivore self that I don’t realize that I once was the kind of person who would have dined here:

This just doesn’t seem like a good schtick for a restaurant. But there are Dirty Dick’s spreading crabs in North Carolina, South Carolina, and Florida.

The crab on the billboard is advertising “World Famous Tees,” and I’ll admit that he is cuter than the critter that “I got my crabs from Dirty Dick’s” suggests:

I guess pthirius pubis does kind of look like a snow crab, which a lot of people like to eat the legs of:

Still, the pubis that comes after pthirius means that the little critter lives in your–excuse me–one’s pubic hair (indefinite article, Fight Club style). Which doesn’t sound good.

Just in case I had it all wrong, I did some research on the pubic louse. And I’m a little bothered that two out of the first three search results when you Google “pubic lice” come from

We can thank the pubic louse for merkins. And the word “merkin” sounds fun, kind of like a “Ferby” sort of toy, but less creepy.

But in fact, a merkin is a wig for your–excuse me again–one’s crotch. Apparently, back in the good ol’ 1400s, prostitutes who ended up with pubic lice would shave themselves and then use merkins to cover things up. Think crotch toupée.

These little wigs were also used to cover up any telltale signs of other venereal diseases. Which kind of seems like painting over rust on a used car.

So, Dirty Dick, when I see your signs, I will think of the following things:

  • Bad personal hygiene
  • Pubic lice
  • Crotch wigs


My appetite is roaring.


One thought on “Clean it Up, Dick!

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