Dear Anonymous Eastern Rat Snake,
I’m deeply sorry about the whole cutting off your head thing. Your biggest crime, which did not warrant capital punishment, was scaring the bejesus out of my wife. She didn’t expect a nearly-four-feet-long snake to be on our doorstep when she took out the trash.
I don’t really make it a habit of killing things that scare her. Otherwise, the folks over at Direct Loans and most birds would also feel the wrath of my grandmother’s hoe.
Part of me wonders if some mischievous turtle might’ve told you that the carport of a vegan was a safe place to loiter, but then again, maybe I’m blaming too much on turtles these days. Also, I’m pretty sure said turtle got run over by a truck and eaten by buzzards.
I was considering attempting relocating you much like that ill-fated turtle, but you see, Anonymous Eastern Rat Snake, it was hard to identify you, what with your being under the car and all. And then you started biting at the hoe, and, well–you know what happened next. I’d like to take a moment to especially apologize about that bludgeoning part. I was attempting a simple humane decapitation, but you got all wiggly and bitey, and I sort of lost my cool. Which you probably noticed.
Now, I’m doing some research to make sure that the next time I wield a gardening tool and go against my vegan tendencies, I’ll be protecting more than just field mice and rabbits.
With my deepest regrets,
J. Austin Floyd