Dictionary Before Talk

I generally don’t use words that I don’t know what mean–I learned that lesson when trying out new cuss words and phrases on my older brother. Tip: Don’t call your sibling a son of a bitch. Your mother will not appreciate it.

For staying on the safe side, I recommend consulting a dictionary before using words you’re unsure about the meaning of.

(There’s an app for that.)

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A Letter to “U,” the Letter

Dear “U,”

I’m so sorry that everyone overestimates your strength. You simply don’t belong by yourself. Please don’t misunderstand me–I’m not trying to sell you short. Only two letters–two of your vowel buddies, in fact–can stand on their own as actual words. But if “A” and “I” make you feel inadequate, just remember: 99% of the time, “Q” can’t get shit done without you.

You’re probably pretty exhausted after getting thrown into so many texts. At first, I was worried that maybe you and “Y” and “O” had some sort of big falling out and that you’d rather hang out with “R”, but now I’m convinced that people are just lazy. Sorry about that.

I was also a little worried after your breakup with Kelly Clarkson. She seemed to be doing pretty well, but then T-Pain kept trying to get you all liquored up, and he was pretty hung up on a stripper for a while, so I wasn’t sure how that would go. Just don’t go riding in his golf cart.

I’m sure you remember the good old days when we just had to worry about people changing letters instead of dropping them altogether. We knew that if someone IM’d us that their band “rawked” that it in fact sucked. Also, if someone wrote “thanx,” we’d never do them a favor again. Simpler times.

Now, I’m not sure what the hell is going on when I get a message that looks like algebra and calculus got drunk and pissed off and cussed me out via email. Maybe you could ask “X” and “Y” what’s up with that?

I hope you’re well, “U.”

Best,

J. Austin Floyd

Three Things Ruining Language

I’m not the best writer in the world. I make mistakes, goof up, and often “suck the raw egg of ineptitude” (thanks to the amazing Amy Condon for that phrase). Sometimes–oftentimes–I don’t write good.

That said, there are at least three things that are doing more damage to the English language than I could ever hope to do.

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